The silence isn't so bad.

Yeah.

I have amnesia.

Of my last post.

Just as I said I would.

But I don't care anymore.



I don't feel so alone.

It used to be so easy.

I seem to be messing up so much lately. It's not helping anything.

Messing up at work, I mean. I screwed up a transaction. And I did a return wrong. I gave her cash back when she payed with a card and I was supposed to refund her card, not with cash. The register came out short. I also told another lady we give refunds on engraved items when we don't. I am so stressed out. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank before I open to get change for the register. I have never done that before. It seems complicated. I have to do something or other with the registers when I get back. I don't know.

I guess it's not all bad that I'm messing up at work. We have a brand new manager that doesn't know much, so she really has no knowledge of my mess ups. The assistant manager, though.. Yeahh.. She knows. She's the one making me go to the bank tomorrow, because "I did it". At least she can't fire me. The new manager likes me. She said I was fun to work with and was the only one that was really on the same page with her about things. We get along. That is one good thing, I guess.

I need an oil change. It was a mistake to tell my dad I needed an oil change. He has called every day or so since asking me if I've gotten it yet. No, I haven't. Ah, I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, I'm going this day. I forgot. So many excuses. Apparently I also need new air filters and my tires rotated. Ugh. So much to do.

I also need to go to the bank for myself personally. I should have done that today. I didn't.

He was supposed to come pick up a tv today. And give me a text book. He didn't. I am mildly irritated.

Who am I kidding? I am extremely irritated with you! I don't exist again! The only reason you texted me the other day is because I had something you wanted! I'm left to suffer. I don't know what is going through your head, but I wish I did.

Why does this happen? Why does my best friend make me suffer? Isn't a best friend supposed to support you? BE there for you? Cheer you up?

No, because apparently cheering me up is like trying to, and I quote, "Fill a bucket with a hole in it. Eventually you don't want to try anymore."

Yeah, I know I act like the victim sometimes. More frequently lately. And before. But, instead of making me feel worse, why not ask why? Talk to me. STOP STARING AT YOUR LAPTOP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME ONCE IN A WHILE. LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND LET ME KNOW YOU CARE.

Talking to a back of a head is not fulfilling. It's frustrating.

And you know what's funny?
This ENTIRE blog post is going to obsolete sooner or later.
He'll talk to me again and I'll forget I was ever mad.
I'll get amnesia.
But deep down, it frustrates me. To. No. End.

What if THIS ENTIRE THING is just filling a bucket with a hole in it?
I really really really really don't want it to be.

I'm getting more and more people being like, "Maybe you need a new best friend."
What they don't realize is, I don't think he realizes anything.
I try to articulate the hurt that I've felt in the past when stuff like this happens, but I don't think it's ever effective for him to understand. My inside literally burn.

It's to the point that seeing your name pop up in Facebook chat makes me hyperventilate and freak out. I can't quite figure out why.

"I miss you" is the biggest understatement in the world.

I frequently wonder what it would be like if you treated me like you treat other people you hardly know. So inquisitive. So kind. So understanding.

You used to treat me like that...
I remember.

Remembering those days makes me miserable.
I want to scream.

You used to look at me.
Ever see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? That part where Dumbledore is deliberately ignoring Harry? And Harry desperately screams,

"LOOK AT ME!"

It's kinda how I feel.
Harry Potter has been my refuge lately. It distracts my mind. From the crap swimming around in it.

I really don't care how lame that sounds.

Remember the glory days?
Every weekend at your house.
Guitar Hero and pizza.
Midnight Club and gobstoppers.
Paintball and Firewheel mall.
Garry's Mod and Portal.
Gravitation.
Drives in the car.
The Venture Bros.
Etc, etc.

Then everything changed.
Well, I guess everything has to change once in a while, but..

But you said "forever".
Best. Friends. For. Ever.
And I agreed.

I know I am stupid sometimes, but so are you.
But don't ruin this.

I don't know what is bothering you, but it seems like the littlest things make you tick lately. Things that really don't matter. Yet, you get angry. For lack of a better example, you are a ticking time bomb. And it seems like I'm the reason for the explosion all the time.

Why is that?
What did I do to deserve it?
All I ever did was..


Love you.

You mocked me.
You seem to mock me when other people are around.


"She wants a hug."
And I looked pathetic as I walked after you as you said that.
And I felt pathetic.
"She wants a hug."
So what if I did?

I realized that a lot of the time a lot of things are just all talk.
Never do.

Some peoples' word means nothing.
They are unreliable.
They let you down.

But some of those people don't think or realize they're letting you down.
Or they make up excuses.

Excuses,
excuses,
excuses.

Too many excuses.
Way too many.

Then you get angry with me for questioning you.

...
No comment.






Take time to make time, make time to be there.

You know, a break is good.

Everyone needs breaks every once in awhile right?
From each other?

This is normal.
Right?


Yeah.