The world may call it a second chance,

but when I came back it was more of a relapse.

Here I am again, and I don't know why. Probably boredom.

So, how 'bout them second chances?

I just posted a long, poetic post on my extremely dated xanga that I somehow still remember the login for. I don't know why I'm posting here, but here we go.

It just hit me. It just hit me that I have to forgive. Even if I've been holding the same grudge for years, bitter for my broken heart, bitter for what happened, I can't keep doing this. I tell all my friends that, "not in a million years will I ever!" but. Well.

I give up.

We're so close to something better left unknown,

we're so close to something better left unknown.

You

are not

worth crying over.

Not again.


Not again.
Not again.
Not again.
Not again.




Never again.

lucky

Sometimes I would I could turn back time. Not years back, not months back, just a few minutes back so you wouldn't have to leave.











Sigh.

What a catch, what a catch

This past weekend was fun.
Homecoming game was okay. Not as awesome as I anticipated.
But, I had fun regardless.
Fright Fest was fun. Even though there was stupid, silly drama.
I was stuck in the middle.
But the haunted houses were fun.
I screamed, but I loved it.
I want to go back to Thrillvania this October as well.
That place holds odd memories, though.


I have never felt so alone.

Stop there.

I get stressed about the silliest things.
The stupidest things.
The smallest things.



I am doomed.

Incoherently Displayed

-You never did like this town, I talk out loud like you're still around.

-The midnight streets are dead when I am so used to driving with you.

-Your voice is still resounding, but what can I do, the empty rooms feel cold when I am so used to being with you.

-We wandered through the days like they had end, but now that you are gone I'm undercover.

-It's all up to you, but what ever you do, take it easy on me.

-Please don't let me go, I desperately need you.

-How long have I been in this storm?

-And you hear my heart beating like a hammer.

Beating like a hammer.

Well, the first week of the new semester is nearly over. So far, I feel like it's going to be a good semester. All of my professors are awesome and down to earth. Although, it was funny, the first day of government I was a bit nervous because the professor was extremely quiet before class started and had an unpleasant expression on his face. But, when he started class, he was an entire different person. Very interesting semester ahead for this government class.

I found out that the computer science class that I am in is no longer required. I am a bit irritated, but then again, it's an easy A to help my gpa. I don't know, I feel bad, though, for having it payed for. I am weird about that stuff. The books were not exactly cheap, either. Ugh. I swear, text books should not be so expensive, do they think college kids are made of money? Just sayin'. However, I got my history book used off Amazon for $5.99. Niiiice.

I am also looking forward to my photography class. My professor is extremely nice and she's young, so she won't be old and boring and make the class a drag. It will be modern. We are also in a brand new Mac lab, in front of beautiful iMacs. Awesome. We bring our cameras for the first time tomorrow. So stoked.

Today it was 75 degrees. I was astounded. Granted, it was because it had rained and it was cloudy, but it was so fantastic. I can't wait for autumn. My favorite season. I love the feeling of it. I love Halloween. Oh my gosh, I am so excited. I feel so much more relaxed in autumn because I am not constantly irritated by disgusting heat and humidity. Gives life a bit of a positive outlook. Also, it means it is closer to the holiday season. :]

Work was atrocious. I was called in because my manager was ill and she said she would take my Friday shift, so I agreed. But, oh my goodness. It was busy and crazy and I was flustered and confused and thought I was going insane. There were some serious odd ball situations tonight. First, the register wasn't printing receipts because I am stupid and replaced the paper in it backwards, and this customer REALLY wanted their receipt. So I frantically called people trying to figure out what to do to see if I could go back to a previous transaction. Finally, I figured something out, after making many people wait. If that wasn't enough, this person wanted to buy something for a non-profit organization and so they don't get charged tax. I had no idea this existed. I had no idea what to do. I frantically called people again, and in the end, the people left and decided they would just come back some other time. Again, I was keeping people waiting. Why in the world was Collin Creek mall busy on a Wednesday? Ugh, I am just happy it is over. And no work 'til next Monday. :>

He's been texting me like he used to. I'm having flashbacks of sitting in AP Art, texting him the entire class. And when I got home from school. All the time. I am so extremely happy about it. I really don't think he realizes how something as simple as a text message conversation can make my day. I just hope it continues. ♥



I still wonder why people like me so much.







Everybody, everybody just wanna fall in love.

Hmm.

Well, another semester starts tomorrow.

I am happy to leave this summer behind. It sucked. Going to start a new era.

I am going to change things about myself, too.

Things are going to be different.

For the better.

Sugarcane in the easy morning.

I have seen movies lately! I like, never go to the movies. This is awesome. I have spent so much money lately, haha. I deserve to have a bit of fun, summer school and work kicked my butt for the past month. This is my last week of awesome.

I saw Inception last Saturday. So incredibly mind blown that I wanted to see it again, so I did! I saw it again in IMAX on Monday. My gosh, it is creative. Love it. I also saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World tonight! It was hilariously epic. Would see again.

POSITIVE ENTRY, PERTAIN AS TO LOOK REPEATEDLY.


Tomorrow is going to be eventful as well. Actually, it will be eventful starting around 1:30, when I get off work, haa. Going to go to lunch with my dad, I think, then.. nothing. Then at 7 I am going ice blocking*! And thennn after that, I am going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Exciting stuff. It will be fun to see how it all works out. Man, I sure do dread going to work, though. I haven't worked since last Friday.

*Ice blocking: Basically, you take a giant block of ice, sit on it, and ride it down a hill. Extremely fun.


I'm not sure what else to say.

I am sorry I piss you off so much. I seriously don't mean to. And when I do, I sulk. A lot.

I should learn from Scott Pilgrim! It was hilarious when he had to battle himself. It was exactly like Shadow Link. He was grey with red eyes. I'd like to make myself think that that was indeed another Zelda reference, among others in the film. Fantastic.





And then she said she can't believe,
that genius only comes along in storms of fable, foreign tongues.

Abstract Expressionism

I repeatedly stay up too late and repeatedly feel like crap the next day. But, it's always worth it at the time. If I'm up that late, it means there's someone worth talking to. Those people know who I'm talking about.

I tweeted the other day about how I listen to way too much Owl City and Panic At The Disco than is healthy for a person. I find an escape in them. They hold so, so many memories.

What if I think about the past too much? I hear that if you dwell on the past, you'll never move forward in the future. Maybe I think about the past because I am too afraid to think about the future. The unknown. It was never so unknown before. I mean, in 11th grade I didn't mind think of the future as a bad thing. The future meant senior year, an awesome art class, getting in the high orchestra, the best year ever with all of my friends. It was certain. I knew where I was going to be. I knew what I was going to be doing (for the most part).

But, when I think about the future now, all I see is a blur of grey. Uncertainty. I don't know my major. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know exactly what friends will be there (though, I have a few in mind of who I'd like to be there).

Well, maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Because, isn't it all supposed to be a big, great adventure? I mean, some people love not knowing what the future holds. I used to be like that, but I'm not feel as optimistic this afternoon.

I think getting me to move on from the past is going to be like ripping a beloved doll out of a child's arms. Odd analogy, but that's what it's going to be like.

So, that's why I hide in Owl City and Panic At The Disco. It's a safe house. As much as new music makes me happy and as much as I enjoy it, at the end of the day I will always turn back to those two groups. Always.

I am still such a teenager, aren't I?

I miss that being an excuse for me stupidity and whiny posts. Er, technically I still am a teenager, but too close to not being one anymore.




We got older,
and I should have known,
that I feel colder when I walk alone.

We're still so young, desperate for attention.

Things are never going to be the same, are they?
They are deemed to be different, forever.
And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.


Did you know that..
when you kick me out (for lack of a better term),
it really really really really bothers me?



I really lost it on the way home tonight.
Screw controlling emotions.
I lost it.

Nothing is ever going to be the same.
You're never going to be as kind to me as you were before.
We are never going to have those same times.

..I miss them more than words could ever express.
Because this time,
I don't think there's hope that they'll come back.

What is it about that camp out in '08 that strikes me memory so strongly?
Why do I constantly think about it?

I have a yearning for it.
I am still trying to figure out why.


We went swimming when the sun was coming up.
We had all stayed up all night.
We were all exhausted, but went swimming anyway.
We saw some trees in the distance,
and our tired minds had us convinced that we could swim far enough to reach them.
So we tried,
and soon figured out that there were extremely too far.
We got tired, so we swam back.
I supported your weight in an innertube.
I pulled you all the way back to shore,
because for some reason or another, you stopped swimming.

Is that supposed to be symbolic?
You give up, and I keep carrying you along.
Is it a lost cause?
Should I stop trying?

I asked you why you still hung out with me all these years,
after everything.
I asked why, after saying that it could have been all my pestering to see you.
He answered, "It seemed like a good idea."

I know he never means what he says.
I know there's something else floating around in his mind.

There have been so many unspoken words.




We are so screwed up.
Maybe that's why we stay together.






That's when you st-st-stutter something profound
To the support on the line,
And with the way you've been talking,
Every word gets you a step closer to hell.

I haven't written in a while.


Life is stressful.

That is all.

The silence isn't so bad.

Yeah.

I have amnesia.

Of my last post.

Just as I said I would.

But I don't care anymore.



I don't feel so alone.

It used to be so easy.

I seem to be messing up so much lately. It's not helping anything.

Messing up at work, I mean. I screwed up a transaction. And I did a return wrong. I gave her cash back when she payed with a card and I was supposed to refund her card, not with cash. The register came out short. I also told another lady we give refunds on engraved items when we don't. I am so stressed out. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank before I open to get change for the register. I have never done that before. It seems complicated. I have to do something or other with the registers when I get back. I don't know.

I guess it's not all bad that I'm messing up at work. We have a brand new manager that doesn't know much, so she really has no knowledge of my mess ups. The assistant manager, though.. Yeahh.. She knows. She's the one making me go to the bank tomorrow, because "I did it". At least she can't fire me. The new manager likes me. She said I was fun to work with and was the only one that was really on the same page with her about things. We get along. That is one good thing, I guess.

I need an oil change. It was a mistake to tell my dad I needed an oil change. He has called every day or so since asking me if I've gotten it yet. No, I haven't. Ah, I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, I'm going this day. I forgot. So many excuses. Apparently I also need new air filters and my tires rotated. Ugh. So much to do.

I also need to go to the bank for myself personally. I should have done that today. I didn't.

He was supposed to come pick up a tv today. And give me a text book. He didn't. I am mildly irritated.

Who am I kidding? I am extremely irritated with you! I don't exist again! The only reason you texted me the other day is because I had something you wanted! I'm left to suffer. I don't know what is going through your head, but I wish I did.

Why does this happen? Why does my best friend make me suffer? Isn't a best friend supposed to support you? BE there for you? Cheer you up?

No, because apparently cheering me up is like trying to, and I quote, "Fill a bucket with a hole in it. Eventually you don't want to try anymore."

Yeah, I know I act like the victim sometimes. More frequently lately. And before. But, instead of making me feel worse, why not ask why? Talk to me. STOP STARING AT YOUR LAPTOP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME ONCE IN A WHILE. LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND LET ME KNOW YOU CARE.

Talking to a back of a head is not fulfilling. It's frustrating.

And you know what's funny?
This ENTIRE blog post is going to obsolete sooner or later.
He'll talk to me again and I'll forget I was ever mad.
I'll get amnesia.
But deep down, it frustrates me. To. No. End.

What if THIS ENTIRE THING is just filling a bucket with a hole in it?
I really really really really don't want it to be.

I'm getting more and more people being like, "Maybe you need a new best friend."
What they don't realize is, I don't think he realizes anything.
I try to articulate the hurt that I've felt in the past when stuff like this happens, but I don't think it's ever effective for him to understand. My inside literally burn.

It's to the point that seeing your name pop up in Facebook chat makes me hyperventilate and freak out. I can't quite figure out why.

"I miss you" is the biggest understatement in the world.

I frequently wonder what it would be like if you treated me like you treat other people you hardly know. So inquisitive. So kind. So understanding.

You used to treat me like that...
I remember.

Remembering those days makes me miserable.
I want to scream.

You used to look at me.
Ever see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? That part where Dumbledore is deliberately ignoring Harry? And Harry desperately screams,

"LOOK AT ME!"

It's kinda how I feel.
Harry Potter has been my refuge lately. It distracts my mind. From the crap swimming around in it.

I really don't care how lame that sounds.

Remember the glory days?
Every weekend at your house.
Guitar Hero and pizza.
Midnight Club and gobstoppers.
Paintball and Firewheel mall.
Garry's Mod and Portal.
Gravitation.
Drives in the car.
The Venture Bros.
Etc, etc.

Then everything changed.
Well, I guess everything has to change once in a while, but..

But you said "forever".
Best. Friends. For. Ever.
And I agreed.

I know I am stupid sometimes, but so are you.
But don't ruin this.

I don't know what is bothering you, but it seems like the littlest things make you tick lately. Things that really don't matter. Yet, you get angry. For lack of a better example, you are a ticking time bomb. And it seems like I'm the reason for the explosion all the time.

Why is that?
What did I do to deserve it?
All I ever did was..


Love you.

You mocked me.
You seem to mock me when other people are around.


"She wants a hug."
And I looked pathetic as I walked after you as you said that.
And I felt pathetic.
"She wants a hug."
So what if I did?

I realized that a lot of the time a lot of things are just all talk.
Never do.

Some peoples' word means nothing.
They are unreliable.
They let you down.

But some of those people don't think or realize they're letting you down.
Or they make up excuses.

Excuses,
excuses,
excuses.

Too many excuses.
Way too many.

Then you get angry with me for questioning you.

...
No comment.






Take time to make time, make time to be there.

You know, a break is good.

Everyone needs breaks every once in awhile right?
From each other?

This is normal.
Right?


Yeah.

It is hard to breathe.

Ahhhh.

PATIENCE.



GET SOME.