You

are not

worth crying over.

Not again.


Not again.
Not again.
Not again.
Not again.




Never again.

lucky

Sometimes I would I could turn back time. Not years back, not months back, just a few minutes back so you wouldn't have to leave.











Sigh.

What a catch, what a catch

This past weekend was fun.
Homecoming game was okay. Not as awesome as I anticipated.
But, I had fun regardless.
Fright Fest was fun. Even though there was stupid, silly drama.
I was stuck in the middle.
But the haunted houses were fun.
I screamed, but I loved it.
I want to go back to Thrillvania this October as well.
That place holds odd memories, though.


I have never felt so alone.

Stop there.

I get stressed about the silliest things.
The stupidest things.
The smallest things.



I am doomed.

Incoherently Displayed

-You never did like this town, I talk out loud like you're still around.

-The midnight streets are dead when I am so used to driving with you.

-Your voice is still resounding, but what can I do, the empty rooms feel cold when I am so used to being with you.

-We wandered through the days like they had end, but now that you are gone I'm undercover.

-It's all up to you, but what ever you do, take it easy on me.

-Please don't let me go, I desperately need you.

-How long have I been in this storm?

-And you hear my heart beating like a hammer.

Beating like a hammer.

Well, the first week of the new semester is nearly over. So far, I feel like it's going to be a good semester. All of my professors are awesome and down to earth. Although, it was funny, the first day of government I was a bit nervous because the professor was extremely quiet before class started and had an unpleasant expression on his face. But, when he started class, he was an entire different person. Very interesting semester ahead for this government class.

I found out that the computer science class that I am in is no longer required. I am a bit irritated, but then again, it's an easy A to help my gpa. I don't know, I feel bad, though, for having it payed for. I am weird about that stuff. The books were not exactly cheap, either. Ugh. I swear, text books should not be so expensive, do they think college kids are made of money? Just sayin'. However, I got my history book used off Amazon for $5.99. Niiiice.

I am also looking forward to my photography class. My professor is extremely nice and she's young, so she won't be old and boring and make the class a drag. It will be modern. We are also in a brand new Mac lab, in front of beautiful iMacs. Awesome. We bring our cameras for the first time tomorrow. So stoked.

Today it was 75 degrees. I was astounded. Granted, it was because it had rained and it was cloudy, but it was so fantastic. I can't wait for autumn. My favorite season. I love the feeling of it. I love Halloween. Oh my gosh, I am so excited. I feel so much more relaxed in autumn because I am not constantly irritated by disgusting heat and humidity. Gives life a bit of a positive outlook. Also, it means it is closer to the holiday season. :]

Work was atrocious. I was called in because my manager was ill and she said she would take my Friday shift, so I agreed. But, oh my goodness. It was busy and crazy and I was flustered and confused and thought I was going insane. There were some serious odd ball situations tonight. First, the register wasn't printing receipts because I am stupid and replaced the paper in it backwards, and this customer REALLY wanted their receipt. So I frantically called people trying to figure out what to do to see if I could go back to a previous transaction. Finally, I figured something out, after making many people wait. If that wasn't enough, this person wanted to buy something for a non-profit organization and so they don't get charged tax. I had no idea this existed. I had no idea what to do. I frantically called people again, and in the end, the people left and decided they would just come back some other time. Again, I was keeping people waiting. Why in the world was Collin Creek mall busy on a Wednesday? Ugh, I am just happy it is over. And no work 'til next Monday. :>

He's been texting me like he used to. I'm having flashbacks of sitting in AP Art, texting him the entire class. And when I got home from school. All the time. I am so extremely happy about it. I really don't think he realizes how something as simple as a text message conversation can make my day. I just hope it continues. ♥



I still wonder why people like me so much.







Everybody, everybody just wanna fall in love.

Hmm.

Well, another semester starts tomorrow.

I am happy to leave this summer behind. It sucked. Going to start a new era.

I am going to change things about myself, too.

Things are going to be different.

For the better.

Sugarcane in the easy morning.

I have seen movies lately! I like, never go to the movies. This is awesome. I have spent so much money lately, haha. I deserve to have a bit of fun, summer school and work kicked my butt for the past month. This is my last week of awesome.

I saw Inception last Saturday. So incredibly mind blown that I wanted to see it again, so I did! I saw it again in IMAX on Monday. My gosh, it is creative. Love it. I also saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World tonight! It was hilariously epic. Would see again.

POSITIVE ENTRY, PERTAIN AS TO LOOK REPEATEDLY.


Tomorrow is going to be eventful as well. Actually, it will be eventful starting around 1:30, when I get off work, haa. Going to go to lunch with my dad, I think, then.. nothing. Then at 7 I am going ice blocking*! And thennn after that, I am going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Exciting stuff. It will be fun to see how it all works out. Man, I sure do dread going to work, though. I haven't worked since last Friday.

*Ice blocking: Basically, you take a giant block of ice, sit on it, and ride it down a hill. Extremely fun.


I'm not sure what else to say.

I am sorry I piss you off so much. I seriously don't mean to. And when I do, I sulk. A lot.

I should learn from Scott Pilgrim! It was hilarious when he had to battle himself. It was exactly like Shadow Link. He was grey with red eyes. I'd like to make myself think that that was indeed another Zelda reference, among others in the film. Fantastic.





And then she said she can't believe,
that genius only comes along in storms of fable, foreign tongues.

Abstract Expressionism

I repeatedly stay up too late and repeatedly feel like crap the next day. But, it's always worth it at the time. If I'm up that late, it means there's someone worth talking to. Those people know who I'm talking about.

I tweeted the other day about how I listen to way too much Owl City and Panic At The Disco than is healthy for a person. I find an escape in them. They hold so, so many memories.

What if I think about the past too much? I hear that if you dwell on the past, you'll never move forward in the future. Maybe I think about the past because I am too afraid to think about the future. The unknown. It was never so unknown before. I mean, in 11th grade I didn't mind think of the future as a bad thing. The future meant senior year, an awesome art class, getting in the high orchestra, the best year ever with all of my friends. It was certain. I knew where I was going to be. I knew what I was going to be doing (for the most part).

But, when I think about the future now, all I see is a blur of grey. Uncertainty. I don't know my major. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know exactly what friends will be there (though, I have a few in mind of who I'd like to be there).

Well, maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Because, isn't it all supposed to be a big, great adventure? I mean, some people love not knowing what the future holds. I used to be like that, but I'm not feel as optimistic this afternoon.

I think getting me to move on from the past is going to be like ripping a beloved doll out of a child's arms. Odd analogy, but that's what it's going to be like.

So, that's why I hide in Owl City and Panic At The Disco. It's a safe house. As much as new music makes me happy and as much as I enjoy it, at the end of the day I will always turn back to those two groups. Always.

I am still such a teenager, aren't I?

I miss that being an excuse for me stupidity and whiny posts. Er, technically I still am a teenager, but too close to not being one anymore.




We got older,
and I should have known,
that I feel colder when I walk alone.

We're still so young, desperate for attention.

Things are never going to be the same, are they?
They are deemed to be different, forever.
And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.


Did you know that..
when you kick me out (for lack of a better term),
it really really really really bothers me?



I really lost it on the way home tonight.
Screw controlling emotions.
I lost it.

Nothing is ever going to be the same.
You're never going to be as kind to me as you were before.
We are never going to have those same times.

..I miss them more than words could ever express.
Because this time,
I don't think there's hope that they'll come back.

What is it about that camp out in '08 that strikes me memory so strongly?
Why do I constantly think about it?

I have a yearning for it.
I am still trying to figure out why.


We went swimming when the sun was coming up.
We had all stayed up all night.
We were all exhausted, but went swimming anyway.
We saw some trees in the distance,
and our tired minds had us convinced that we could swim far enough to reach them.
So we tried,
and soon figured out that there were extremely too far.
We got tired, so we swam back.
I supported your weight in an innertube.
I pulled you all the way back to shore,
because for some reason or another, you stopped swimming.

Is that supposed to be symbolic?
You give up, and I keep carrying you along.
Is it a lost cause?
Should I stop trying?

I asked you why you still hung out with me all these years,
after everything.
I asked why, after saying that it could have been all my pestering to see you.
He answered, "It seemed like a good idea."

I know he never means what he says.
I know there's something else floating around in his mind.

There have been so many unspoken words.




We are so screwed up.
Maybe that's why we stay together.






That's when you st-st-stutter something profound
To the support on the line,
And with the way you've been talking,
Every word gets you a step closer to hell.

I haven't written in a while.


Life is stressful.

That is all.

The silence isn't so bad.

Yeah.

I have amnesia.

Of my last post.

Just as I said I would.

But I don't care anymore.



I don't feel so alone.

It used to be so easy.

I seem to be messing up so much lately. It's not helping anything.

Messing up at work, I mean. I screwed up a transaction. And I did a return wrong. I gave her cash back when she payed with a card and I was supposed to refund her card, not with cash. The register came out short. I also told another lady we give refunds on engraved items when we don't. I am so stressed out. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank before I open to get change for the register. I have never done that before. It seems complicated. I have to do something or other with the registers when I get back. I don't know.

I guess it's not all bad that I'm messing up at work. We have a brand new manager that doesn't know much, so she really has no knowledge of my mess ups. The assistant manager, though.. Yeahh.. She knows. She's the one making me go to the bank tomorrow, because "I did it". At least she can't fire me. The new manager likes me. She said I was fun to work with and was the only one that was really on the same page with her about things. We get along. That is one good thing, I guess.

I need an oil change. It was a mistake to tell my dad I needed an oil change. He has called every day or so since asking me if I've gotten it yet. No, I haven't. Ah, I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, I'm going this day. I forgot. So many excuses. Apparently I also need new air filters and my tires rotated. Ugh. So much to do.

I also need to go to the bank for myself personally. I should have done that today. I didn't.

He was supposed to come pick up a tv today. And give me a text book. He didn't. I am mildly irritated.

Who am I kidding? I am extremely irritated with you! I don't exist again! The only reason you texted me the other day is because I had something you wanted! I'm left to suffer. I don't know what is going through your head, but I wish I did.

Why does this happen? Why does my best friend make me suffer? Isn't a best friend supposed to support you? BE there for you? Cheer you up?

No, because apparently cheering me up is like trying to, and I quote, "Fill a bucket with a hole in it. Eventually you don't want to try anymore."

Yeah, I know I act like the victim sometimes. More frequently lately. And before. But, instead of making me feel worse, why not ask why? Talk to me. STOP STARING AT YOUR LAPTOP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME ONCE IN A WHILE. LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND LET ME KNOW YOU CARE.

Talking to a back of a head is not fulfilling. It's frustrating.

And you know what's funny?
This ENTIRE blog post is going to obsolete sooner or later.
He'll talk to me again and I'll forget I was ever mad.
I'll get amnesia.
But deep down, it frustrates me. To. No. End.

What if THIS ENTIRE THING is just filling a bucket with a hole in it?
I really really really really don't want it to be.

I'm getting more and more people being like, "Maybe you need a new best friend."
What they don't realize is, I don't think he realizes anything.
I try to articulate the hurt that I've felt in the past when stuff like this happens, but I don't think it's ever effective for him to understand. My inside literally burn.

It's to the point that seeing your name pop up in Facebook chat makes me hyperventilate and freak out. I can't quite figure out why.

"I miss you" is the biggest understatement in the world.

I frequently wonder what it would be like if you treated me like you treat other people you hardly know. So inquisitive. So kind. So understanding.

You used to treat me like that...
I remember.

Remembering those days makes me miserable.
I want to scream.

You used to look at me.
Ever see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? That part where Dumbledore is deliberately ignoring Harry? And Harry desperately screams,

"LOOK AT ME!"

It's kinda how I feel.
Harry Potter has been my refuge lately. It distracts my mind. From the crap swimming around in it.

I really don't care how lame that sounds.

Remember the glory days?
Every weekend at your house.
Guitar Hero and pizza.
Midnight Club and gobstoppers.
Paintball and Firewheel mall.
Garry's Mod and Portal.
Gravitation.
Drives in the car.
The Venture Bros.
Etc, etc.

Then everything changed.
Well, I guess everything has to change once in a while, but..

But you said "forever".
Best. Friends. For. Ever.
And I agreed.

I know I am stupid sometimes, but so are you.
But don't ruin this.

I don't know what is bothering you, but it seems like the littlest things make you tick lately. Things that really don't matter. Yet, you get angry. For lack of a better example, you are a ticking time bomb. And it seems like I'm the reason for the explosion all the time.

Why is that?
What did I do to deserve it?
All I ever did was..


Love you.

You mocked me.
You seem to mock me when other people are around.


"She wants a hug."
And I looked pathetic as I walked after you as you said that.
And I felt pathetic.
"She wants a hug."
So what if I did?

I realized that a lot of the time a lot of things are just all talk.
Never do.

Some peoples' word means nothing.
They are unreliable.
They let you down.

But some of those people don't think or realize they're letting you down.
Or they make up excuses.

Excuses,
excuses,
excuses.

Too many excuses.
Way too many.

Then you get angry with me for questioning you.

...
No comment.






Take time to make time, make time to be there.

You know, a break is good.

Everyone needs breaks every once in awhile right?
From each other?

This is normal.
Right?


Yeah.

It is hard to breathe.

Ahhhh.

PATIENCE.



GET SOME.

I hate this.

I shouldn't be allowed to talk to anyone when sleep deprived. I am highly irritated and stupid. Fights start up. I effing hate it when things are great and then something stupid like this screws it up. But, maybe that's just my tired brain worrying too much and being irrational.

But still, in my defense, despite the sleep deprivation, there were conversations that should not have been started. Not that that can be foreseen. If only.

Sigh.

You set my soul alight.

Last week was absolutely incredible. Like old times. Oh my gosh, I'm so extremely relieved and happy. I am so happy to be back at his house more than 3 time a week, most likely annoying his family by taking their parking spots and making the dogs bark every time I show up. It's good to be at my other home again. <3 This is how summer is supposed to be. The end.

We started playing a browser game together. I've never played a game like this, but I am enjoying it and he is helping me out. Awesome.

We're partners, kinda. I help him out with mixes and his radio show. I'm so proud of that boy. He's gunna go far. I designed him business cards and am in the process of making a flier with tear off numbers. Need a DJ? Let me know.

Oh, right. Let's talk about me for a minute. My job is going well, I really really like it. My co-workers are friendly, as well as my manager. She is extremely understanding. I'm getting better at engraving. I engraved my first frame last week. I also engraved a few other things. It's really cool seeing the customer's reaction at the work that you did. I did good.

This week is going to be busy. Working Mon, Wed-Fri. It's Memorial Day tomorrow, I'm wondering how busy it will be.. Either way, it's going to get super busy with more summer wedding orders and definitely graduation, which is next week. Ahh, my senior friends are graduating. Congrats to them. I'm a sophomore in college already? Life is crazy.

There's something heavy on my mind I don't want to bring up. Well, actually, I'm back and forth with it. One moment I am concerned and the other moment I am looking at the big picture, knowing that it is worth it in the end and I will always come back.

Ahahaha, I'm not going to tell you. I cleaned my room today, thank goodness. It helps with my stress. One time I brought that up with a friend and said that when my room is clean I am less stressed out. All they said was, "lol", like I was kidding or something. I don't see what's so funny. People are bizarre.

This is getting long.
This week is going to be long.
But I'm going to Six Flags on Saturday. Should be fun. And hot.

I feel like I'm getting muscle spams. I should probably go to bed. Work tomorrow 12-6.



On crystal sand,
we sleep hand in hand,
while soothing words
hover like hummingbirds.

You set my soul alight.

Last week was absolutely incredible. Like old times. Oh my gosh, I'm so extremely relieved and happy. I am so happy to be back at his house more than 3 time a week, most likely annoying his family by taking their parking spots and making the dogs bark every time I show up. It's good to be at my other home again. <3 style="font-style: italic;">On crystal sand,
we sleep hand in hand,
while soothing words
hover like hummingbirds.

Don't be thinking that I don't want you.

Heh, well I knew it.

And it's over.


It was fun while it lasted.

It's okay.
It's all going to be okay.

Hold to the love that you know.

I honestly don't know why I act like that sometimes. I should stop it. I mean, seriously. I should be happy about what I can control, not upset at what I can't change. I'm sorry.

I know you probably get sort of annoyed when I keep holding on to you when you pull away from a hug. I just really really really love your hugs. They mean a lot, as dumb as that sounds. It's all I got, ya know? I really hate leaving, too. So much. I'm just sad, aren't I? I don't know.

Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you so much.

This weekend was pretty fantastic. The bff's two days in a row. That hasn't happened in a very long time. I love it I love it I love it.

The summer is starting out to be quite promising. I like this.

Wednesday, come soon, okay?


But I don't want this to all go to my head.
Cause then my head confuses my heart.
And that never ends well.

I am okay.
I am okayyy.


Calm down, emotions.
You've got your best friend.

Your soul will be okay.

It's all going to be okay. The words were said. The action is already being taken. It's not all just talk. This is real.

Not only were the words said, THAT word was said. A word that was really not spoken of before. That was dodged. And I didn't say it first.



"Robert Chase is my best friend!"
"Well, he sounds like a lucky guy."


Oh, life.
<3



Things are looking up, oh, finally.
I thought I'd never see the day that you smile at me.

Untitled II.

And that sentence saved my life.

<3

Exhale the stress.

So it's finally summer time! Yay! I would be celebrating more if I didn't work all weekend! But I am hanging out with Robert tomorrow when we get off work, yay!

Oh my goodness, so many exclamation marks.

I am just excited. No more homework! Well, until July 13, when summer school starts, but whatever. :]

I saw my bff tonight! I missed him so. :[ He was practicing his DJing with all his freaking sweet equipment. His turntable is pretty. I'm so proud of him. :D

I'm tired, haha. Can you tell?


And we should have know that we'd grow up sooner or later,
cause we wasted all our free time alone.

I feel like such an insomniac.

So, I've got a job. Technically a seasonal job, but a job. It will get me through the summer. I start Friday. I'm kind of nervous. I hope I do okay. I have an eight hour shift, followed by another eight hour shift Saturday. What wonderful timing, I'm working all weekend when I've got exams the next week, hahaaaa. Lovely. I will be fine, though...

I'm nearly finished with my first year of college. It wasn't too bad at all. It just.. really made life go by a lot faster than it normally does. I mean, after graduation last June, the rest of that year was a complete blur. My birthday is also coming up. I have no problem with leaving eighteen behind. At all. Some of my friends are turning twenty this year. THAT, I cannot fathom. At all. Weren't we all just sixteen? Able to drive? Able to get jobs? Now we're leaving teenage hood. Well, not yet. But soon. Life is exciting, yet, at the same time I try my hardest to imagine that I'm still at Plano East. I miss it so much.

I really hope this summer is better than last summer. The only good part about last summer was my road trip in August. Everything else was lame. Well, I guess this summer will be better because I'll actually have some money. Sweet. But, he's still pretty much ignoring me. You can't do this to me this summer, you hear me? My patience is seriously growing thin.

I guess the truth of the matter is I'm terrible with change.
Always have.


My gosh, I ramble a lot.

You know, I DO exist.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

If you don't want to be replaced, shape up. :]

Not that I would replace you.

But.
It's definitely a plus.

But what if I don't.

You really left your mark.

I stay because if I don't, he won't.
I stay because it'll make him realize I'm in it 'til the end.
I stay because it'll make him open his eyes to see the things he does to me.
I stay because I'd miss him too much.
I stay because of the good times.
I stay because if I go, what kind of best friend is that?
I stay because one of us has to be rational.
I stay because he always comes back.
I stay because I care.
I stay because I know he cares.

I stay despite the fact he's so incredibly rude to me.
I stay despite the fact he blatantly ignores me on a daily basis.
I stay despite the fact I can't tell him about my problems.
I stay despite the fact I can never call him without getting scolded.
I stay despite the fact I only see him maybe twice a week.
I stay despite the fact he may not care about anything I have to say.
I stay despite the fact his girlfriend hates my guts.
I stay despite the fact we have differences and extreme disagreements.
I stay despite the fact he's brought me to tears.
I stay despite the fact he rarely talks to me first.

"Face down in the dirt, she says, 'This doesn't hurt.'"



Is this patience?
Or madness?



Maybe it's love.


Lying there with a halo in her hair, she cried,
"There are feathers everywhere! But it's fine... you do this all the time."

I am floating away.

OWL CITY OWL CITY OWL CITTYYY.

Oh my gosh it was so amazing. <333

It was absolutely fantastic, nothing like I imagined it to be! A lot of people expect to see Adam sitting there at a keyboard and synthesizer making music, but I was completely blown away, there was a complete band on stage with him! A drum set, 3 keyboards, a violinist, a cellist, and then someone running some sort of electronic something. Most of the time Adam had an electric while singing, except for one of this songs where he needed his acoustic. He full out performed! It was greaaaattt.

All his songs sounded so ridiculously awesome live. Like, I'd buy a whole cd of the live versions of his songs. He opened with Umbrella Beach and closed with Hello Seattle. I was pleased when he played a few songs from his first album, songs that you would not know if you just recently got into Owl City. He also played songs from his second album, along with, of course, his newest. With all the songs, there was an entire lights show too, so incredible! It was absolutely perfect.

I knew the majority of the people there were only there because they heard Fireflies on the radio and that was the only song they knew (and Vanilla Twilight, cause that's the only other song he released a music video for online and Hello Seattle because that was pretty much his first big hit). And I was right, because I was preetty much the only person singing every one of his songs word for word, as well as knowing the title of it. But, of course, when he played Fireflies, everyone in my section that had been silent before stood up and sang. Surprise, surprise. (I'm bitter because I've been a fan for years and was sort of upset Fireflies got on the radio, causing an uproar of fake fans. Pahaha.)

But overall, I was pleased. Adam did a great job. And it was just amazing to see him in person! <3

I love Adammmmmm. He's such an inspiration.

If I were to ever meet him, I'd give him a hug and say, "Thank you for getting my through some of my toughest times." I want to meet him one day. I will. :]

Untitled.

"Is that really all you care about?"

That quote really has no significance to this post.



...

I really shouldn't be this unhappy.

I say I am used to it.

I have so much to say but don't know how to say it.

Don't you hate that?

Communication.

Umm.
Sometimes I think technology has completely slaughtered what should be appropriate in communication, and what media people should use to communicate.

To explain what I mean, let me tell you a little anecdote of this morning's happenings...

I'm lying in bed and it's about time that I need to get up, so I do what I do every morning, check my phone. I see that there are two text messages. I figured they were either random people or just two text messages from facebook, alerting me that someone has written on my wall or whatnot. However, I got two text messages from my mother, who is at work.

My mother?
It was actually one text message that was so lengthy, it was broken into two.
I am going to summarize it's general message,

"If you don't get a job by May 1st, I am going to stop paying for your phone and your car."

This is where I, who had just woken up minutes before, stare in unbelief.

No, not because I have to get a job.
No, not because I have until May 1st.

BECAUSE IT WAS IN A TEXT. MESSAGE.

Okay, well, I don't know about you, but if you're telling your kid you're going to pretty much be cutting them off next month, I don't think that it's appropriate to communicate that in a text message.

Is the Transactional Model of Communication completely obsolete? The Transactional Model being where there is a constant flow of communication, the sender and the receiver both sending messages, face to face.

Well, of course we still talk face to face! That's silly, right?
Sure we still talk face to face. But do we talk about things important? Life changing? Personal?

It seems that most of what I find out that is quite...heavy has been through text messages. Or emails.

Then again, one may say,
"Well your mom was at work! She needed to tell you!"

Sure
But, she could have easily waited until she got home to tell me in person.

Oh, and the text message also said something around the lines of,
"You stay up all night you need to get a job"
or something.
And of COURSE, I get that text message the one night I actually choose to fix that. I went to bed at 11:00pm! To fix that! I was tired! But of course, if I bring up that point, she will probably just think it an excuse. This kind of thing happens to me all the time.

*exhale*
I don't really have anything else to say.

Like all the things you can't explain.

Well, today was a lovely Easter. General Conference was awesome (though, it was hard to hear over loud voices of my little cousins).

My room is clean. I'm happy about that.
At least there is one thing to be happy about.

My best friend's wedding is this coming weekend. It was just yesterday that we were silly teenagers getting into mischief and going on adventures in the creeks, spending the night at each others' houses, going to the lake, filming funny videos, all that stuff. A lot happens when you're best friends for 10 years. Then all of the sudden, there's a wedding. And incidentally, a baby on the way.

Growing up is so weird.

Anyway, I'm going to be the photographer at her wedding, so that's cool. I want to do a good job for her. I think I do well at my craft.

I guess those summer days don't last forever.

Life is changing.



People living in competition,
all I want is to have my peace of mind.

Have some composure.

Come on, this is screaming photo-op.
Come on, come on,
this is screaming,
this is screaming,
this is screaming photo-op.

Boys will be boys, baby.
Boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys, baby.
Boys will be boys.

Give me envy,
give me malice,
give me your attention!

Give me envy,
give me malice,
baby, give me break!

When I say "shot gun",
you say "wedding"
"shotgun"
"wedding"
"shotgun"
"wedding"




I am so ridiculously fed up.
With ALL of you.

You are.

I am strongly considering the impossible.

Who knows?

At a red light.

Seriously, what is wrong with people today?

Thanks for never telling me anything. I have to find out EVERYTHING through facebook. What a best friend relationship that is.

Oh, but you talked to me, yeah. When you needed something. That's when I'm only useful right? I know I'm being stupid about this and that's not the case, but it sure feels that way.

Then this chick? Why in the world did she decide going 20mph was a good idea when I was trying to get to school? And a teenager at that. Umm, speed up. Get your first ticket or something. Or get off the road.

And this other chick? Oh, she was brilliant. She decided to speed past in front of me while I was ON FOOT crossing the crosswalk. If I was walking any faster, I would have been hit. I made sure and gave her the dirtiest look I could muster. Idiots. If only a cop was there to see that. You can get a ticket if you don't yield to pedestrians.

The kids in my math class are annoying. They laugh at the professor. Grow up.
And then I had a midterm in bowling.
I still don't think I did the scoring right.

And I've never been so worried about you.

*exhale*
What a crappy day.
At least I have wonderful Australian treats. <3

And music.



So you say,
"Yeah, I'm alright."
You are the fortunate all the time,
yeah, you are the fortunate.

I know it's mad.

Honestly, I want to forget about the past. But I can't help remembering all the times you screwed me over.

And I never told you a thing.




Doc, there's a hole where something was,
Doc, there's a hole where something was.

I miss you.

Through playful lips made of yarn.

Do I complain too much?
I don't think I do.
Do I stay up too late?
Why, yes I do.
Is it worth it?
Most likely.
Do I procrastinate?
Absolutely.
Do I care about you?
Not even a question.
Do I worry about you?
Just as much as I breathe.

Do you complain too much?
I don't think so.
Do you stay up too late?
Just as much as I do.
Is it worth it?
You never say it is.
Do you procrastinate?
Worse than I do, dear.
Do you care about me?
...You do, right?
Do you worry about me?
...Do you?




She held the world upon a string,
but she didn't ever hold me.
Spun the stars on her fingernails,
but it never made her happy,
cause she couldn't ever have me.

I remember the view.

Hmmm, today was...interesting. :>

I saw the sunset. My favorite thing ever.
And you talked to me. And we laughed.
You don't know how much that means to me,
that you look at me.


A lot to do this weekend... Lunch with dad tomorrow, promptly followed by starting on homework. Crawfish Saturday? I think?



All my clothes smell like you,
cause you're favorite shade is navy blue.

There's lots of those friendly people.

*exhale*
It's kind of interesting how a week can go by extremely slow or extremely fast. This week was the latter. I've got a lot to do this weekend, though. Perhaps the weekend will go by slow. Honestly, I hope it does. I need all the time I can get.


Where are you? You feel so far away. I know you always come back eventually, though, but don't be too long, please. You know I need you. And I KNOW you need me. Shoot me a text every once in a while. One text goes a long way. Even if it's one word. I have a lot of those.

I've been realizing lately that it really doesn't matter what other people think. I remember that when I'm driving in the car. Then I get out of my car and I forgot everything I just thought. Funny. Reminds me of something. Then again, I guess it's not that funny, is it?

If you read this, I'm sure you think I make no sense.
That's okay.




Things are shaping up to be pretty odd,
Little deaths in musical beds,
So it seems I'm someone I've never met.

What about the forests?

Ahhhhh. So back to school today. I was super freaking tired, but it was okay. Math was aight, bowling was okay. I almost hit 100! I'm getting better.

I mailed two packages today! One to my friend in Australia and one to my friend in Wales. Very excited for them to get it. :> I mailed them all kinds of American things.

I am not motivated to do homework. I think I'll get my math homework out of the way first.


<3


Hello, teacher, tell me what's my lesson;
look right through me, look right through me.

Good evening, shuttle bus.

Oh man, spring break was absolutely NOTHING like I expected it would be.

At.
All.

Who would have thought that not having many plans would actually...be okay. I basically sat in my room all week (minus..Friday) and had THE best spring break ever. Now, that's going to sound really stupid, right? Well. To some. All I can say is skype is fan-freaking-tastic.

Something simple as making a new friend can completely change everything. Ha, my best friend is evidence of that. Even if making that new friend didn't completely change your entire life, they still...changed a part of it. Now I'm wondering if that's WAYYY too deep. *shrugs*

School monday. It's surreal. This week made me feel like I didn't go to school. Gah. Back to the grind...




If we could sit together a moment,
and talk forever just to pass the time,
I would smile as the shivers and chills run down my spine,
when you're eyes are locked on mine.

If you do, if you don't.

Let’s get out,
Let’s get out of here
I’ll go it alone if I have to,
but I need you there
And I’m honest with nobody else,
Whether or not I make it there is will itself
And I’m honest with only myself
How I can’t afford to lose you now?
Not in this hell

But I’ll stay with you

I’m a mess,
A total wreck,
A poor excuse without you near to keep me in check,
So take me out, take me anywhere,
I’m out of touch with everything,
And I don’t care
So I must be out of my mind,
All that I have to give to you is all my time

So I’ll stay with you
And we'll say over and over;
Baby, I'm a waste of time

I love it when you come over to my house.

You and me. Let's roadtrip. For real. Please? <3





I'd send a postcard to you dear,
cause I wish you were here.

I want your love.

Ahhhh today was a fantastic day. :)

Had my last two classes (my third class was canceled!) before spring break...and now I am officially on spring break! No classes on Friday ftw. Last night I worked on a present for the bff--a prismacolor drawing of me and him with a collage of pictures of us from over the years for the border (which was supposed to be for his bday, so it's laaate...but oh well)--and so when I got out of class I hung out with him and gave his present to him. He loved it. I love giving people things and I love when they like them, especially if they are homemade. I did good! Thank goodness I'm good at something. I mess up a lot...

I helped the bff with homework before he had an exam to take in the library. I like helping him. Then I chilled for about an hour after that while he took his exam...At that point it was about 6ish. I had been at school since 10am! Long time. But I enjoyed it. After that we went to Taco Bell cause I was freakin hungry! Just like old times. Funny how memories and "old times" are created. Never would have thought a Taco Bell would be involved. We're regulars there now.

So then same old same old, went back to the bffs house afterwards and hung out til laaaaaate, like it should be. Left about midnight, and nowww I'm home typing this.

I have a good feeling about spring break. I have a good feeling about this weekend. Thank goodness. Thank YOU.

Maybe I am crazy.



I want your love and I want your revenge,
you and me could write a bad romance.

Oh, darling I know what you're going through.

Oh my goodness I need to CHILL OUT.

Anyway, I had a midterm today. It was easy. I have so much to do with about...ZERO motivation. This is awesome. This is going to be short.



Lying there with a halo in her hair she cried,
"There are feathers everywhere! But, it's fine, you do this all the time."

The silence isn't so bad.

What an adventure the last few days have been. Friday, me and Britt ventured down to Forth Worth. The drive there was fine, until we got into downtown. We got sort of turned around...but eventually found our way to the Modern Museum of Art. The Andy Warhol exhibit was pretty cool in my opinion. Some very interesting works that I did now know existed by him. I think my favorite was the piece with all the photographed portraits of famous people. Oh boy, did Warhol thirst for fame.

Saturday I went to the park. It was beautiful outside. Got some good shots, too. Some of the sky, some of some trees. It was lovely. I am so behind in my photo editing, though. I still have a bajillion snow day pictures to edit. And now park day. But, I took some updated preggo pics for Britt on Saturday, also, and I got all those edited super fast. They turned out good, though. But jeez, I have got to finish editing my ice berries series. I've only got one done. Jeez. It's a good thing I'm not getting paid for this, I'd be fired haha. (Although holy crap it'd be cool if I were payed for this.) Haha, have any photo editing needs? Let me know. I take cash. Hahaha.

Today was yucky yucky...and cold. Bi-polar weather at its best. I stayed in after church and spent most of the day in bed. I studied a bit too. Midterm on Tuesday. One week til spring break. I should be way more excited. I am, yes. But, yet, I always have a slightly sinking feeling when I get time off school because I never know if I will have plans or if something super amazingly fun will happen. I hate ending up being bored. Hopefully that won't be the case. (And I better get to see YOU. Please don't ignore me during spring break. Please.)



We got older,
and I should have known,
that I feel colder when I walk alone;
so I may as well ditch my dismay,
bombs away, bombs away.

All was golden.

I absolutely did not feel like going to World Lit II today, so I slept in and only went to my two last classes today. For some reason it felt like the longest day of MY LIFE. I don't know why. I felt bad because I was in a touchy mood when I went to see the bff after class. :/

OH MY GOODNESS. It's such a nice day out. 66 and sunny. Perfect. We'd better enjoy it while it lasts, cause it won't last long. I wish I had a bike. I want to ride a bike. I think I may ask for a bike for my birthday, haha.

Tomorrow should be an adventure. Going on a mini road trip with Britt to go to an art gallery in Fort Worth. We're going to see an Andy Warhol exhibit, cool. I'm pretty excited. I like Andy Warhol, contrary to some people.

OH, EXCITING NEWS!
I am going to see Owl City in April! So stoked.



All was golden in the sky;
all was golden when the day met the night.

As if you actually were inside a saltwater room.

Well. Today was just a miserable day. Weather wise, I mean. It was RAINY and COLD and WINDY and...miserable. I didn't bring but a light jacket to school because it wasn't that cold when I left...but it got FREEZING later on to the point I was violently shivering on the way to my car to go to bowling class. Bad experience. Plus, mix in the rain spotting on my glasses, affecting my vision. Hahah. I made it to my car, though.

AND THEN THE 90s WINDBREAK SAVED THE DAY.

I have this box of old clothes and such in my car that my dad told me to take to donation and I haven't yet, so when I got in my car, wet and cold, I look in the box and there's this old Adidas windbreaker on top. I didn't care that it looked like it was straight out of an episode of Full House, it was COMFY and WARM. I probably looked like a dork walking into the bowling alley, but I honestly didn't care. And then I proceeded to fail at bowling, not even breaking a score of 100, but ohhh wellll.

Are you there?
Or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Just be patient don't worry.

My dad's moved a lot my entire life. It's just how it is. It just seems that this time it's a lot harder to see him go.


What's it like with two parents in the house? I'm curious.

If I was standing on the balcony, and you were walking down below,
I'd feel rather depressed, and out of place,
and lonely to just watch you go.

Bright eyes and subtle variations of blue.

Wow! So much has happened just this morning. I feel so productive.

Got up at 8:00 and was at my dad's by 9:00 with forty dollars worth of donuts, hahah. Had to feed everyone that was helping my dad move everyyythinnngg out of his house. It was quite the feat! It's sooo odd to look at his house empty. He has lived there for about 5-6 years and I have grown used to it. It is sad to think today was the last day we will be there. But, we got everything packed tightly into a giant U-HAUL truck and got it all put up in storage. It was actually pretty fun. Some of my brother's friends were there helping and they were messing around on the loading carts and ran into walls. I'm happy to be done, though.

So I guess the remainder of the day consists of...lunch with mom/sister and then hanging out with people. Should be fun.

Apartment lights go dark, and it's depressing, but what can I do?
The midnight streets feel dead when I am so used to driving with you.

Still photos and noisy arcades.

I thought I would make a new blogger. My last one I had was just for my eng 1302 class, which my professor read, and was for a grade. So, didn't really get to write what I wanted. Here we go.

Disclaimer: Expect Owl City lyrics...frequently.

I have a somewhat busy weekend ahead. So jealous of the best friend that's in Florida this weekend. I was driving somewhere the other day, and couldn't help but be completely distracted and irritated. It made me want to get away, just for a bit. I mean, nothing life changing, no. Just a weekend to not stare at a computer screen, and have some QUIET.

Quiet is fantastic.

Farewell, all my friends in textbooks, I'm going home;

Cause my blood cells cannot depend on the weather in photographs.